Guide to Life. Must read.

[Count Gubsington]

Hullo everyone, this is my second guide of all time. The administration is pretty strict when it comes to my guides (they're just too true.) so if this is deleted, I'm sorry, and to my fans... Hesitate to show hostility towards them. Think of them as bean pods, who have no inner bean... Just a hard casing. Empty. Unsatisfied. Malnourished. Tooth decay.

Anyways, in this guide I will go through the four basic life skills. It may not fit your cabal, but it will probably be spot on, and if you disagree, you can castrate yourself using a monkey wrench. Visualize this, and you will see that disagreeing with me comes with a hefty, painful price. A price that only Robert would enjoy.

FIRST LIFE SKILL
Breathing:

I know for some of you, breathing is a simple process--it requires little work (unless your some faggot with asthma, and in such a case you don't even deserve to breathe the air we breathe as your lungs are racist against our oxygen.) But most of you know not the ways of Grand Breathing. Yes, you heard me right; folks, Grand Breathing. It's pretty simple, and you will feel enlightened in a very short time if you do it correctly.

Step One: Breathe in deeply, do not let any amount of oxygen to be exhaled--hold it for 5 seconds. Let it breathe into the bottom of your lungs like a son of a bitch on steroids fighting for the loss of his father's bosom. Yes, feel the burn? It's normal, especially if you're a douchebag that smokes/used to smoke. Now, you want to exhale slowly and cautionary. Don't breathe out too fast or you will break your lung's concentration and they'll be startled by the lack of your gentle touch. You must be passive with your lungs, let them do the work--they're living creatures too!

Step Two: After you've exhaled, you will feel a tad bit dizzy. This is completely normal and is not in the slightest bit harmful. Some side affects may occur, though, especially in those who have asthma/have a history of severe bronchitis and/or pneumonia, or if you're a smoking douchebag. Side affects are: Death, Death, Death, Trouble breathing for at least 24 years, Death, Tooth decay, and Death.

SECOND LIFE SKILL
Fixing divots.

Haha, well, if you're an avid golfing fan, you'll know how troublesome divots can be! Especially if they're over 300 ft. But don't fret, I'm here to help you. If you follow these instructions correctly, you should have no trouble fixing divots wherever you may go--be it at home, in your backyard, at the golf course, or on your grandmother's whig!

Step One: Well, the first step is pretty complicated, and it requires some hard work, delicate hands and a penile cavity the size of a male walrus. Usually, when I used to fix divots (paid $5.45/hr.) I, admittedly, got a little frustrated from time to time. Especially when 12 ft. giants came and divot'ed the place up a notch. Whewy, did I ever get into some of the craziest arguments! First thing you'll need to do is go to a lumber yard, especially recommended for divots bigger than 20-40 ft. Once at the lumber yard, ask for some basic lumber, nothing too fancy like maple wood or stogy wood. Just basic lumber. The size, thickness and length of the lumber will vary, depending on how large the divot is.

Step Two: Drive up to Montana and capture some mallrats, they're giant rats that roam in the vast, arid Montanan landscape. They're flesh eating scavengers, so I recommend bringing an elephant gun, or perhaps a tranquilizer dosage enough to bring down forty two male zebras. Again, the amount of mallrats you should capture vary, depending on how large the divot is.

Step Three: Whilst the mallrats are slumbering, dig pathways throughout your yard/golf course. The height and width of your pathway depends on the average size of your mallrat, which is probably around 8 ft by 12 ft. You should probably make at least 12 to 20 different, intersecting, pathways. So as to assure that the mallrats can easily move throughout the golf course under cover of darkness. And don't worry about the lighting, mallrats adapt easily to queer environments. Their eyes adjust with time.

Step Four: Dump the mallrats into your divot, WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING, I cannot stress that enough. If the mallrats are awake you will probably end up dead or at least limbless for the rest of your damned, dirty life. While the mallrats are still asleep, start boarding up the divot. You can probably hire about 20 illegal immigrants to do the work for $1.25/hr. And this should only take about two or three hours. So, financially, it's the wisest choice. Once the divot is about 3/4ths done, start throwing in the illegal immigrants (these will be the mallrats sustenance) due to the majority population of Mexicans in Montana, these will prove to be a tasty and energizing snack for them once they awake.

Step Five: You're done! Soon the mallrots will build a colony underneath the golf course, and start eating up those who make divots. Mallrats are VERY territorial, and they don't like it when their homes are intruded upon. Thus fixing the problem in itself. Just be wary when fixing future divots!

THIRD LIFE SKILL
Conversation.

Hey guys and gals, surely you all have had a conversation before? Have you ever wondered why your partner seems easily distracted and uneasy when talking to you? It may mean that you are suffering from poor conversation/social skills. Or that you have horribly bad breath. In any case, in this life skill, I will stress the importance of conversation. And techniques to keep your partner interested and listening!

Step One: Engage your partner. Bring up a subject of interest (preferably something that pertains to your partner.)

For example, "Hello Molly, you're looking rather dashing today! Is your hair always that color or did a cow shit on your face today?"

She will be HORRIFIED at your lack of manners. But this is normal! Don't worry! This was only to grab her attention. Next, quickly evade the previous statement and say something about the sky/weather/capitalistic trend of society. She will most likely listen to anything you say, as her self-conscience will be so broken that she can't help but look at you with a twisted smile and nod her precious head while you go on blathering about nature or whatever the fuck you want to talk about.

Step Two: Subjects of Interest.

Truly I say to you everyone has trouble here and there with bringing up interesting subjects to pull your partner in. To GRAB their attention without using insults or profanity. But really, it all depends on the partner. You have to observe your partner for many moons, through trial-and-error conversations, to finally pick up on their likes/dislikes/ignorance. It will sting when your partner decides that you're a boring person, and says, straight out that you are disinteresting and then wishes not to be engaged in the conversation. But this is all part of the learning experience. If this ails you, and affects you in a negative way--then clearly you are not ready for this guide. But if you sway their comments, and continue engaging them with subjects that may or may not seem interesting, then truly you are a master of your own life. And for this I salute you, for you, truly; after the hardships faced with the life being presented in front you, endured and progressed...

Step Three: Keeping the conversation alive!

I know by experience that keeping a living conversation from dying is hard, but once you know the do's and don'ts of conversation, nothing can get in your way.

If in the middle of a decent conversation, and your partner seems to be spiraling off into another world that she or he created to escape the boring drivel that you spew from your gob, don't panic. I repeat, do not panic. It is all apart of conversation. What you must do is quickly grab the tender, fat ass of your partner and jiggle it around while screaming "THE BEAR IN YOUR EYES SINGS IDLY IN THE SKIES WHILE IT'S WHEELS ARE TURNED AND TWISTED, THROUGH THE NEVER ENDING TWISTS AND THE TURNS THAT YOU MISSED--GO OUT AND BE FRUITFUL, EVERMORE." Your partner may jump out of the confused state erratically and realize that you're caressing their ass and singing mediocre poetry that holds no meaning. Quickly stop screaming/caressing their ass and gently ask them, "Are you deaf? Or are you just bored?" They'll be so ashamed for drifting off they'll answer no to both questions and continue conversing at a normal, healthy pace.

FOURTH AND FINAL LIFE SKILL
Living life.

I know some of you out there may have difficulty living life normally. You may think you're alone in the world, and that no one shares the same interests as you. But truly I say to you that it is not true. And that it is your low self esteem that is causing this irrational thinking. You must teach yourself, passively, that living is not so hard--that you can endure the challenges life sets against you with a passionate and tender embrace. Sing to life as if it was your lover, cradle life in your arms and gently rubs its nose with your nose and whisper, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." Write sonnets, plays, poems expressing your never ending gratitude to life and its barbaric mannerisms. Tell LIFE that its way of adaption and evolution intrigue you, and that no one could recreate the things that you do.

Life is full of fun, creativity and enlightenment linger in every corner and cave. You only need to learn how to live this life correctly, and not like a dirty asshole who steals bread baskets from children walking down Macgregor street. You need to understand that... Nothing in life is perfect, and thus you are doomed to live a crappy, unsuccessful and unenthusiastic life. No one is happy. Happy is a word to temporarily sugarcoat sadness. But sadness lingers with all of us... Unchanged, uninterrupted. It sits. Waits for the moment to strike. And out of no where, you're stricken with depression.

<3

Best Guide Ever


I will apply all of it to my life. Thank you for giving me a new view on life, and showing me the way!

prty gud but not dat gud!

[Count Gubsington]

Thank you, thank you.

[Utahsfinest]

Best Guide ever +ReP and tom not to be rude but who raised you who taught you how to spell.

[Mr Gully]

I like this guide - + rep to you dogbert!

[M.D. Alemi]

Nice guide one of the best i have seen lol

[Zypur]

Wha about teh pr0nz? We need pleasure in life?

[Drag0nSlay3r]

What about pleasure?

You mentioned conversation but not sex?

What should we do at night Dogbert other than sleeping?

Enlighten us then I'll + REP you.

[Nam]

You sir, are my hero